Upon Getting Older
When you're old enough,
these stories suddenly become funny.




 The Garage Door Story

 The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
 and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This
 morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
 told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office
 puzzled by the question

 As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
 zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
 door.'

 He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
 garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

 She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
 flat tires.'


 =====================================================


 An elderly gentleman...

 Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
 and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
 allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
 The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
 said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
 can hear again.'
 The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
 I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
 three times!'

 =====================================================

Sitting on a bench

 Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
 a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
 I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
 feel?'
 Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 =====================================================

Two gentlemen talking

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
 the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
 The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
 new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
 The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
 The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of
 that flower you give to someone you love?
 You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
 'Do you mean a rose?'
 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
 and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
 night?'

 =====================================================

Hospital
 
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
 However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
 already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
 insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
 After a chat about rules being rules , he reluctantly let me wheel him to
 the elevator.
 On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
 of her hospital gown.'

 =====================================================

Nineties Notes
 
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During
 a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they
 might want to start writing things down to help them remember

 Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 'Sure.'
 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
 'No, I can remember it.'
 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
 down, so's not to forget it?'
 He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
 strawberries.'
 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
 down?' she asks.
 Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
 cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
 Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
 The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
 eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. Them she asks,  'Where's my toast ?'

 =====================================================

Getting married
 
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
 'So I hear you're getting married?'
 'Yep!'
 'Do I know her?'
 'Nope!'
 'This woman, is she good looking?'
 'Not really.'
 'Is she a good cook?'
 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
 'Does she have lots of money?'
 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
 'I don't know.'
 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
 'Because she can still drive!'

 =====================================================

 Three old guys

 Three old guys are out walking.
 First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
 Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
 Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

 ===================================================

Telling his neighbor

 A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
 four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
 'Twelve thirty.'


 ===================================================

 (once again!!)

 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
 A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
 gorgeous young woman on his arm.
 A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
 doing great, aren't you?'
 Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mama and be
 cheerful.''
 The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
 careful.'

  ===================================================

 One more. . .!


 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
 slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a
 banana split.
 The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

  ===================================================

Like those?
Now, before you 'forget', Tell someone you  know who could use a good laugh!